I think I’m dying

What’s enough sleep?

No, I don’t want hours and minutes and statistics according to studies, I mean, WHAT IS enough sleep? I don’t even remember what it feels like.

I say that a lot. That I don’t remember what it feels like… But I don’t. I really really don’t. What I do remember the feeling of is feet like lead, knees like seized gears and a head that feels like silly putty that’s been dropped in sand – what a mess.

I like to think I’m getting better at looking after myself and saying no, and stopping when I need to rest… But after 2 nightmares and an almost comically appropriate tarot reading this weekend; maybe I’m not as good at self care as I thought…

I think my main issue is that I don’t take into account bad sleeps, short sleeps or big days. I continue to set my alarm for 6.00 or 6.30 even when I have nothing specific to get up for (Or could easily fit everything in with a 7.30 wakeup)… Now, when I’ve made it through a night without being woken by cats scratching in the litter tray or my partner giggling like a kid next to me at Top Gear episodes or crinkling chocolate wrappers in my ear (or on the other side of the king bed… but whatever, at 2 am everything sounds like it’s right in my ear); a 6am wakeup is splendid. But without enough sleep… They can be physically painful, and no amount of caffeine or berocca can numb that pain. The only cure is sleep…
I love mornings, I love feeding the horses while the birds are waking up, I love sitting on the verandah with a cuppa, watching them finish breakfast while I get licked on the face by any or all of the dogs. I love the shift in energy as the nocturnal animals retire and the rest of the world arises.

But I think I have become almost addicted to that feeling so that if I miss it – by sleeping in for an hour – I tell myself that I’ve wasted the best part of the day…

So where do I find balance between resting enough and having my favourite and most energising and soul-replenishing time of the day?

I just got disturbed from writing this and came back to my computer surprised to see a blog entry even open… So I’m sorry if this is not making sense… My brain is starting to melt a little.

I’ve posted about self-care before.

I know I have. It’s such a struggle for me. How do I look after myself and still get all my stuff done? Why do I eagerly take up more hours at work when I’m already too tired? Because working more earns me more, and earning more takes some pressure off me week to week in affording the things I need to live… And affording the things I need to live means that I can treat myself to massages or new nail polish or new riding gear and that makes me happy and etc.

But where’s the balance?! 

Why do I feel that I need to sacrifice something in order to sleep? That something needs to give? That I need to be awake as much as possible so I don’t miss anything or not get enough done?

I don’t have the answer to that one… Certainly not today. Perhaps (hopefully) a 7pm curfew for me tonight will help a little…

2 thoughts on “I think I’m dying

  1. Found this ‘untranslatable’ word yesterday:
    Gökotta (Swedish): to wake up early in the morning with the purpose of going outside to hear the first birds sing .
    🐴

    Liked by 1 person

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