Dinner

Hey girl, in the supermarket, staring at shelves. Hoping she just looks stoned instead of pre-panic attack… Since illegal drug affectedness would be more socially acceptable than a panic attack about what to have for dinner on a Monday night.

I see you.

I feel your chest tighten, I see you wring your hands and watch your eyes dart around- not seeing anything- avoidant.

A lady excuses herself and removes asparagus from the shelf infuriatingly confident and nonchalant. Entranced by her effortlessness for a moment, you just watch her, gracefully extracting more and more food off the shelves, before you’re brought back to the present by a gentleman ducking in front of you to take some grapes. You don’t like grapes, so you feel a little sick suddenly.

The overwhelming choices of absolutely nothing that you could bring yourself to eat. The thought of a single bite makes your stomach tighten. It shouldn’t happen anymore, you’re thinking to yourself, berating yourself for not being better at being normal. “I should be able to do this, I HAVE been doing it- why is this dark fog closing in again?”

You’re paralysed. You’re mute; which is just as well- You can’t draw attention to the fact that you’re so overwhelmed by food. Food that we eat. We don’t even have to be friends with it. Just boil the rice and eat it. You can’t be afraid of that? But you are, it’s terrifying. It feels like it’s eating you. From the shelves- closing in, consuming you from the outside in. Screaming at you to make a decision.

Maybe the reality is that you’re just not hungry. You’ve eaten a late lunch and aren’t ready for more food yet… but you’re supposed to eat, it’s dinner time. So now what?

Choose a lighter option. But did you eat enough today? Is corn on the cob a meal? What about a head of broccoli?

Ok take the prepackaged meal. That’s a meal. It says so.

Hey girl, in her bed. Too full. Head spinning, and a melee. You were not alone in the aisles, and you are not alone now. I see you. And I love you. Every day you battle your own head. And every day- you win. No it SHOULDN’T be like this, and no it’s NOT fair- but you are one fearless goddess, taking it on daily. Waking to face a gauntlet of varying strength, every day. Sometimes forfeiting the battle to recoup- other days running at it so furiously it simply seems to get out of your way.

I know you will be ok. And I know you will work through this bump, because you are strong. So strong, and so powerful.