Dirty work

Lately I’ve had this beautiful balance of hard work on inner self, and limitless abundant bliss. I’m not working on the hard shit for a few weeks anymore, it’s a couple of days of reflection followed by a few days or a week of deep, true happiness. It’s an incredible ride. But I’m exhausted.

There’s no highway exit where you have a little no-mans-land to cleanse your palate before being awash with the fresh emotions of the next wave, it’s more like emerging from a sauna after an hour or 2 and diving into fresh, powdery snow… shocking. Invigorating. But by the time I’ve adjusted to one climate, it’s changed on me again, and I find myself inappropriately psychologically dressed for the situation.

Supporting my clients is getting easier. I’m getting fit for this sort of work. I’m not as externally drained anymore. Which is amazing. I’d been fearful of the inability to regulate myself when dealing with clients on the reg, and that I’d be burned out before even having a chance to begin. But internally, I almost feel like a passenger on my own journey. Like I’m watching myself get pulled this way and pushed that way, and dragged around like a mum of twins in a lollyshop. Removed from it. But still very much feeling the end results.

What am I uncovering? What’s being unlocked? I’m loving myself more. I had a moment over the weekend where I had my whole experience with mental health and self esteem played out in front of me like a training montage in a movie. When it finished, I felt a gentle weight on my chest as if to ask “well, what do you have to say about that?” And I was shocked to hear myself talk about how proud I was of myself. How much darkness had shrouded my soul and how triumphantly my soul has shone through. How such a broken and battered relationship could heal so completely. Someone that I hated, is becoming my deepest love- myself. Seams of gold rippling iridescently though shattered sections of my life. Repaired and beautiful, and safe. It was such a beautiful meditation and I’m so grateful.

Today I need alone time… Last night I didn’t want to be alone. It’s gentle. The emotions aren’t harsh. But the flickering between them is laughable in its intensity. It’s a ride. I’m glad I can enjoy my journeys now. I used to hate the journey. Always focusing on the destinations… but the destinations never came. Cuz there are no destinations. Only the journey.

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