The migraine limiter

So I feel great. I’ve had a week of no vomit, almost normal energy levels and have really made the most of it. I’ve worked extra days with clients, I’ve covered other carers time off, I’ve been super involved in my teaching classes… then comes the shit bit. I haven’t slept enough, I’m pretty tired after doing all that extra stuff, and still have 5 days of this week to go, since it’s my on weekend with my client.

What a humbling experience pregnancy has been for me. I physically cannot push through. My limit is lower.

It’s making me re-evaluate how much I pushed for other people’s benefit, when I probably should have been looking after myself. How I learned that. And what I could have learned differently.

There’s an event I’m trying to pinpoint in my youth. A time where I decided to turn inwards and ignore the lessons of the world, and follow instructions from generations. I’m trying to work out how early that happened, because there’s a lot of gunk coming up as I work through who I am as a pregnant woman. And who I want to be as a mother. Of course, I’m going to be precisely and unapologetically me as a mother, but what are my priorities? How do I break cycles without starting new ones. And how do I stay grounded and present.

I’ve felt neither of these things lately. The physical changes have been so overpowering and all consuming, that when I’ve tried to tap in to my higher self, she’s been too far away.

Using my body in classes the last few nights has helped me be back in touch with it. Reclaiming it from the first trimester. And being in touch with my body has helped me connect with my spirit again. With my heart. With myself.

So as I sit with my decision to cancel my client today and go to bed with a migraine instead, I welcome the migraine limiter as a lesson. A lesson to be more honest with myself about my limits. So I can impose them on myself, rather than need the brutal stopper that is a migraine without medication.

Down with the sickness

Well then… the sickness.

Lordy, the sickness. I said to Paul last night that this is the hardest thing I’ve done. Reading that “your body feels alien to you” doesn’t make it feel less alien. I’ve always had so much control over my body. Whether starving it, gorging it, or pushing it to its physical limits while training… this is all completely out of my control.

I’ve lost weight, but gained fat around my middle, I can have the best intentions of having an even remotely productive day- and wake up vomiting violently and uncontrollably instead- throwing every plan but staying sane, out the window.

What an absurd thing to go through. And it be normal. I look forward to meeting this sass ball. Who will apparently be worth it.

I’ve never been this out of control with my health, my body, my well-being. I’ve never been forced to rest so much. And not be ABLE to push through.

None of this is necessarily negative. Just difficult. I’m a passenger on this journey, the baby is already taking over my life. I’m tired.