The beginning – the extra bit

I’ll get personal later, but I want to write this down, because I think it’s a really important realisation for me to have had this morning.

I love this body. This body that I’m in right now, right at this moment.

This body has just carried me through a week of pizza, chocolate and wine while I mourned the sudden death of my beloved cat. This body has then stood strongly by my partner’s side while he worked long and disruptive hours, it has nurtured 3 dogs, 2 cats and 4 horses, a bird (and said partner), every single day. It has taken me to work, it has brought me home, lifted heavy bales of hay, gently scratched my bird’s head and held me safely on the back of a horse as we galloped across fields. I love this body. This version of it. This one that it writing this, right now.

This body has allowed me to eat all the worst things for me while my emotions somersaulted over one another as I began to relearn the world without my feline friend. That little extra bit that I had to stuff into my tights this morning is my body saying “it’s ok, I’ve got your back. I know you’re not giving up on me, I know this isn’t how you want to feed me, but I know this is what you need right now, so I’ll just hold on to your grief until you’re ready to let it go”.

That extra bit I had to stuff into my tights doesn’t warrant berating myself for gaining XYZ kilos… It doesn’t mean I’m going to have to throw my favourite jeans in the goodwill pile and it doesn’t mean I have to give up the eternal desire to be healthier and feed my body more of what it needs and less of what it doesn’t. It means I’ve been through something important. It means I looked after my emotions, my heart and my soul. In an ideal world, we would eat the best things for our bodies when our hearts are hurting… but more often than not, pizza is comforting and deliverable, KFC is savoury and satisfying and frozen meat pies hearty and delicious; and they’re all VERY easy to obtain when you’ve got little left to give the world for the day. I love my body for getting me through this with the worst fuel I could give it.

Since I’m new at this, I had no real idea of how this post might end, or how I would get my point across most effectively without waffling on… But I’m searching within myself for acceptance of every stage that I’m at, every moment that I’m in and trying to revel in the journey rather than become fixated on the destination… Because that’s what it’s really all about. It’s not about “making it” or “arriving”, it’s about what we learn and who we become on the way…

-C